SINGLES

George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Lily Tomlin
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

George Burns
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

Albert Einstein
Two things are infinite: the universe and the human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

Dennis Miller
Born again?! No, I’m not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Dave Barry
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Dylan Thomas
Someone’s boring me. I think it’s me.

Robert Benchley
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give up, because by that time I was too famous.

Loretta LaRoche
The next time you go on a vacation, leave your laptop computer, briefcase, and pager home. Or else, just have some sand and a beach umbrella delivered to your office.

Oscar Wilde
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Benjamin Franklin
Three removes are as bad as a fire.

Thomas Carlyle
I’ve got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom.

Rita Rudner 
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them; my mother cleans them.

George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. 

Ogden Nash
Home is heaven and orgies are vile,
But I like an orgy, once in awhile.

Ann Landers
Know yourself. Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Robin Sharma
I’ve made spectacularly good choices and some outrageously bad mistakes. I’m very human – a work in progress.

Russell Baker
Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things.

Ralph Waldo Emerson
A man is what he thinks about all day long.

Thomas Carlyle
Clever men are good, but they are not the best.

Richard Bach
Every person, all events of your life, are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

Dodie Smith
Noble deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression.

Bryan Adams
Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.

Ralph Waldo Emerson
The years teach much which the days never knew.

Jane Roberts
Suffering is not good for the soul, unless it teaches you to stop suffering.

Pete Seeger
Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine prints; experience is what you get when you don’t.

Carla Gordan (alias Mary Guide)
If someone talked to you the way you talk to yourself, you would have left them a long time ago. 

John Lennon
Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.

H. Jackson Brown
Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking.

Brian G. Jett
You can determine how confident people are by listening to what they don’t say about themselves.

Mencius
People’s tendency towards good is as water’s tendency to flow downhill.

Albert Einstein
The pioneers of a warless world are the young men who refuse military service.

Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.
My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.

Carl Schurz
From equality of rights springs identity of our highest interest; you cannot subvert your neighbor’s rights without striking a dangerous blow at your own.

Bear Hearth Williams
I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy – myself. 

John Emerich Dalberg
Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Oscar Hammerstein
A bell is no bell ’til you ring it,
A song is no song ’til you sing it,
And love in your heart
Wasn’t put there to stay –
Love isn’t love ’til you give it away.

Malcom Forbes
People who matter are most aware that everyone else does too.

Plato
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your home.

Ron Atchison
Did you know that when you walk pass a flower, whether it be in a garden or a vacant hillside, the flower will always smile at you? The most polite way to respond, I’ve been told, is to cheerfully return the smile.

Charles M. Schulz
• I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand. –- Charlie Brown (“Peanuts”) 
• All I need is a little love now and then, but some chocolate will do for now. -- Lucy Van Pelt (“Peanuts”)

Steven Wright
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
• I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
• Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time.

George Bernard Shaw
• If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
• When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.
• If parents would only realize how they bore their children!
• Beauty is a short-lived tyranny.
• Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world.

Ashleigh Brilliant
• Things are gradually falling into place – on top of me.
• Please don’t tell me to relax – it’s only my tension that’s holding me together.
• Your illness license has expired: report back to health immediately.
• Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.

Steve Bhearman (alias Swami Beyondananda) 
• Right God: There’s a new product for people who are so desperate to find the right spiritual path that they’ve become pathological. It’s called Right God Spray.
• When you first heard people affirming “the universe totally supports me,” did you consider suing the universe for non-support?

Authors unknown
• Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.
• Everyone gets butterflies – the trick is getting them to fly in formation.
• I heard that many children end up asking their parents, “What did people do before TV, video games and stuff?” “Well little one, they actually talked to each other.” 
• The best revenge is to live well.

Sufi sayings  
• Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.
• A donkey with a load of holy books is still a donkey.
• Whatever you have on your mind – forget it; 
   Whatever you have in your hand – give it;
   Whatever is to be your fate – face it!

T-shirt saying
No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.

Wedding cancellation (sent to guests)
Picked up the wrong guy. 
Gave him the wrong finger.
(True story) 

Email (author unknown)
To All – Attention:  Aliens are coming to abduct all the good looking and sexy people. You will be safe, I’m just emailing to say goodbye.

Bumper stickers
• Good morning, this is God. I will handle all you problems today. I will not need your help, so have a nice day!
• My karma ran over your dogma
• Doing my part to piss off the religious right
• Dear God protect me from your followers
• Last time we mixed politics and religion… people got burned at the stake